Yahoo Begins Drug Testing Tumblr Employees

May 21, 2013

tumblr-pollYahoo has begun drug testing Tumblr employees in an effort to reduce operational risk at its newest acquisition.

According to reports, teams of medical personnel arrived at Tumblr's New York headquarters this morning with hundreds of urine cups and orders to test every single employee for banned substances.

"Frankly, we've seen a lot of crazy stuff on Tumblr," says Toby Flenderson, Yahoo's human resources director. "It's hard for us to believe these kids created this site sober.

"This isn't a start up anymore. Tumbr is a part of a publicly traded company now, and we can't permit these kind of shenanigans."

Flenderson says he's most worried about LSD and MDMA, but also suspects widespread use of cannabis and mushrooms.

Carpe Diem

Aging internet giant Yahoo purchased the youth-oriented social blogging site Tumblr over the weekend for $1.1 billion in cash.

The deal represents Yahoo CEO Marissa Meyer's boldest attempt to date to turn around the fortunes of the struggling company by tapping into the power of social media.

Meyer has promised not to "screw up" the site, and for the moment has allowed Tumblr founder David Karp to stay onboard. Yet in an exclusive interview, the longtime Google executive says there are things Yahoo simply can't accept.

"Sure I smoked a joint or two in college," she admits, "but back in my day weed was all natural. These Tumblr guys are smoking strains that have like 10 times as much THC.

"And with all this new designer stuff, its a brave new world out there. Drugs are much more dangerous these days. And Yahoo has shareholders to protect.

"Have you ever tried to code high on ecstasy? Sure you're more creative, but you're also more likely to share proprietary secrets with anyone who asks. Not to mention we'd go bankrupt on the cost of replacing water coolers."

For Karp, Yahoo's aggressive move to police his workforce has left him feeling angered and betrayed.

"I almost feel like giving back the hundreds of millions of dollars I got from this deal and walking away," Karp says as one of his best engineers is frogmarched into the bathroom to provide a urine sample. "Almost."

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  • http://neublek.tumblr.com Neublek

    Wow. This is insanely sucky of Yahoo! Fun products come from fun workplaces… not from heavily policed software sweatshops. I’m quitting tumblr today and closing my Yahoo account.

    As a side note… Yahoo is going to have a hard time retaining talent with this attitude. Facebook and Google are trying hard to make their employees happy.

  • Guest

    K, I didn’t realize this was a satirical website. Someone had just sent me a link to this article. It seemed totally plausible. Especially after after hearing about Marissa Meyer discontinuing Yahoo’s work-from-home policy. So I deleted my comment (it’s the only other comment on this article) but it didn’t dissappear. Guess The Daily Currant really needs comments :P

  • meagain

    oh man! i already deleted my accounts because i was so inspired by this comment. thanks a lot.

  • Guest

    I did too. I blame The Daily Currant!

  • imsmert

    Yo

  • robert branham

    Google has a drug policy, in 1988 Congress passed the Drug-Free Workplace Act, which required recipients of any government money to “maintain a drug-free workplace.”