The former CEO of investment bank Lehman Brothers was arrested this morning for purchasing medical marijuana in Boulder, Colorado.
In a statement to local media, the Drug Enforcement Agency (DEA) said it apprehended Wall Street kingpin Dick Fuld while raiding the Flatiron Herbal Wellness Center, a popular dispensary in this picturesque college town outside Denver.
Fuld, who attended university in Boulder, was attempting to fill a prescription for Strawberry Diesel Kush to treat his persistent glaucoma. He had the misfortune, however, of visiting the dispensary on the day federal authorities decided to shut it down for violating federal anti-drug statutes.
In addition to arresting Flatiron's owners and employees, the DEA confiscated 1 pound of cannabis found on Fuld's person, a bright pink bong and a copy of Skunk magazine. The government has promised to prosecute him to the fullest extent of the law.
"This dirtbag is going down," explains DEA special agent Henry Schrader. "We may have allowed him to crash our economy, but we're sure as hell not gonna let him get high. There's no bigger crime in America than putting dangerous yet potentially therapeutic chemicals into your own body. This douchebag crossed a line."
Rocky Mountain High
In his role as chairman and CEO of investment banking giant Lehman Brothers, Fuld was responsible for leading his company into the largest corporate bankruptcy in U.S. history in September 2008. The fallout from its demise caused the greatest panic in financial markets since the Great Depression and accelerated the global economy's descent into a deep recession.
Although there were multiple examples of fraudulent accounting practices and ties with suspect mortgage lenders, no executive at the firm has ever been charged with a crime. Five years after its fall, however, the federal government has finally found the courage to bring charges against its leader.
"This asshole choose the wrong prosecutor to f**k with," says Ferdinand Pecora, an assistant U.S. district attorney in Denver. "We're gonna put this fool away for years. No one smokes up in my territory and gets away with it. I've put away thousands of slimeballs like this for marijuana possession before. I prefer going after blacks or Latinos. But I'm gonna love putting away this old white guy all the same."
Despite Pecora's enthusiasm, many are questioning the government's enforcement priorities in this case, especially in light of the fact that the dispensary in question was operating legally under Colorado law.
"I mean I guess it would be nice to see him in jail," explains Jessie Spano, a spokeswoman for Occupy Wall Street. "But weed is supposed to be legal here now. Why can't they charge him with one of his numerous financial crimes? ... I suppose this is the best we can hope for."
Fuld joined Lehman Brothers in 1969 and served as its CEO from 1994 to 2008. He is expected to be arraigned in a U.S. District Court on Monday.
