2013

In an effort to reduce the taxpayer cost of Margaret Thatcher's funeral, American beverage company Coca-Cola and six other large corporations have been named official sponsors of the event.

In a statement released to the press this morning, Maria Miller - the British Secretary of State for Culture, Media and Sport - explained that each sponsor will pay £1.4 million for the exclusive rights to advertise their products during the procession.... Read More →

The U.S. Congress announced today it has managed to cut an additional $100 million in wasteful government programs from the federal budget, and then promptly gave itself a raise exactly equal to the amount cut.

In a joint press conference, Democratic and Republican leaders hailed the cuts as a sign of “fiscal responsibility and bipartisanship” in their ongoing efforts to reduce the nation’s $16.6 trillion debt, despite the gridlock and partisan warfare that has characterized budget negotiations for the past several months.... Read More →

Rep. Paul Ryan refused to tip an elderly waiter today at a Washington-area soul food restaurant.

According to witnesses at Auntie Ruth's Bistro in Northeast D.C., Ryan stiffed his server on the grounds of "personal austerity" and proceeded to tell the 72-year-old man to "get a real job."... Read More →

Barack Obama said today that France has "by far the hottest" first lady of any major country in the world.

In an interview with French magazine Paris Match, the U.S. president praised the "astounding" physical attractiveness of Valérie Trierweiler, the domestic partner of French President François Hollande.... Read More →

Iran's President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad blamed Jews today for the "global scourge of erectile dysfunction."

In a speech broadcast on state television, the Islamic firebrand claimed an international Jewish cabal is provoking male impotence though chemicals in bottled water and then making billions by treating the syndrome with pharmaceutical drugs like Viagra.... Read More →

The Egyptian government has issued an arrest warrant for American comedian Jon Stewart, accusing him of blasphemy and fomenting "anti-Egyptian" sentiment.

The charges come just two days after Stewart used The Daily Show to blast Egyptian president Mohammed Morsi over his harassment of Bassem Youssef, an Egyptian satirist critical of his government.... Read More →

South Carolina Sen. Lindsey Graham became the latest Republican to support same-sex marriage today.

In an interview with local NBC affiliate WYFF in Greenville, S.C., Graham said he hoped the U.S. Supreme Court will recognize a "constitutional right to marriage equality" when it rules on the issue in June.... Read More →

Florida Sen. Marco Rubio completed his flip-flop on immigration today, saying he opposes a pathway to citizenship and believes the U.S. should deport all 11 million undocumented immigrants residing in the country.

In a speech to the conservative Heritage Foundation, Rubio told the assembled audience that allowing illegal immigrants to reside in the country would be like allowing bank robbers to keep the money they've taken. ... Read More →

Congressman Paul Ryan was thrown out of Easter Mass today at his hometown Catholic Church because of his "unchristian" stance towards the poor.

A spokesperson for St. John Vianney's church in Janesville, Wis. says it was enforcing a new papal order barring uncharitable politicians from participating in Catholic rites when it refused communion to Ryan and asked him to leave the building. ... Read More →