As the United States tightens economic sanctions against Russia, the Obama administration announced today an import ban on Russian vodka effective immediately.
In a press conference today, Secretary of State John Kerry told reporters that he decided on the move to punish Moscow for its invasion of Crimea.
“Vodka in stock may be sold and purchased but no new vodka may enter the country,” he declared. “The penalty for importing and selling Russian vodka will be $15,000 fine and up to two years in prison.
“Can you think of another product we buy from them? Just one? We can’t. That’s why the president had no choice but to ban the import of vodka. Maybe in Europe they use more Russian goods but I have no idea what they make. Of course they produce misery and corruption but we can’t help that.
“We don’t use their oil and gas. That’s why we have Canada and they sure as hell aren’t going to take over anything. They send over mediocre ice hockey players but once again, that’s why we have Canada.”
Vice President Joseph Biden, who was upset over the ban of his favorite vodka, spoke scarcasstically on the issue. “We need to apply as much pressure as possible. It has worked with Iran, North Korea, and Cuba so I’m sure it will work with Russia.”
Vodka, it’s what’s for dinner
Vodka consumers in the U.S. are stunned by the revelations that their favorite alcohol will be banned.Fox News host Bill O'Reilly, however, was ecstatic with the news. “Finally, an Obama policy worth implementing. Drink whiskey like a real American. None of that girly vodka crap. I’m glad Obama is finally doing something patriotic.”
Vodka exports accounts for the second largest export for Russia after natural gas. The nation’s political elite does not seem concerned about the economic impact of the ban, however. Putin’s chief of staff Sergei Ivanov told The Moscow Times, the morning “We make the best vodka in the world. It is too good for the Americans; they deserve to drink piss.”
The U.S. says it may lift the ban if Russia pulls back their troops and recognizes Ukraine’s sovereignty over Crimea.
“We’ll also be open to re-establishing trade of vodka if they agree to give us back Edward Snowden, we just want to talk to him,” an inebriated Kerry told reporters later that night outside of his local D.C. bar. “Just talk to that little prick, that’s all.”