Business

US Bans The Import Of Russian Vodka

Mar 28, 2014
Officials Can't Think of Another Russian Product America Uses

VodkabanAs the United States tightens economic sanctions against Russia, the Obama administration announced today an import ban on Russian vodka effective immediately.

In a press conference today, Secretary of State John Kerry told reporters that he decided on the move to punish Moscow for its invasion of Crimea.

“Vodka in stock may be sold and purchased but no new vodka may enter the country,” he declared. “The penalty for importing and selling Russian vodka will be $15,000 fine and up to two years in prison.

“Can you think of another product we buy from them? Just one? We can’t. That’s why the president had no choice but to ban the import of vodka. Maybe in Europe they use more Russian goods but I have no idea what they make. Of course they produce misery and corruption but we can’t help that.

“We don’t use their oil and gas. That’s why we have Canada and they sure as hell aren’t going to take over anything. They send over mediocre ice hockey players but once again, that’s why we have Canada.”

Vice President Joseph Biden, who was upset over the ban of his favorite vodka, spoke scarcasstically on the issue. “We need to apply as much pressure as possible. It has worked with Iran, North Korea, and Cuba so I’m sure it will work with Russia.”

Vodka, it’s what’s for dinner

Vodka consumers in the U.S. are stunned by the revelations that their favorite alcohol will be banned.Fox News host Bill O'Reilly, however, was ecstatic with the news. “Finally, an Obama policy worth implementing. Drink whiskey like a real American. None of that girly vodka crap. I’m glad Obama is finally doing something patriotic.”

Vodka exports accounts for the second largest export for Russia after natural gas. The nation’s political elite does not seem concerned about the economic impact of the ban, however. Putin’s chief of staff Sergei Ivanov told The Moscow Times, the morning “We make the best vodka in the world. It is too good for the Americans; they deserve to drink piss.”

The U.S. says it may lift the ban if Russia pulls back their troops and recognizes Ukraine’s sovereignty over Crimea.

“We’ll also be open to re-establishing trade of vodka if they agree to give us back Edward Snowden, we just want to talk to him,” an inebriated Kerry told reporters later that night outside of his local D.C. bar. “Just talk to that little prick, that’s all.”

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  • InMyView

    Vodka is just a start. They`ll ban all spirits, it`s Prohibition all over again. Fully stock your wine cellars now !

  • Leandre

    april fools? lol

  • Zedsdead

    Benghazi!

  • Elaine Conley

    I’m not sure who made the comment about “mediocre hockey players” brought over from Canada, but this person did not watch the olympics, and sounds like the below-average internet troll.

  • Jesus H. Goldberg

    Yeah, and get your tinfoil hats on!

  • Nevadavoter1

    Don’t know how I found this site but it is hilarious! As a vodka drinker i guess I’ll have to travel there to enjoy my martinis!

  • soulo1

    ^^^^^^^^^^^^This person is a racist impostor using my likeness to post things all over the web^^^^^^^^

  • Jesus H. Goldberg

    ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^This person is a racist impostor using my likeness to post
    things all over the web^^^^^

  • unclesamonmars

    I bought a 1951 BMW just by working from home on my Commodore Vic 60.

  • unclesamonmars

    You might want to reconsider the meaning of “below average”.

  • skrapy

    Really, I can’t understand why people from the united states don’t no nothing about Canada, you’d think they’d have their facts right considering Canada is right next to the US, but on the contrary their pretty ill educated when it comes to anything but themselves, must suck to live there I would hate not having some good vodka.

  • Mtb4ever

    Wow, way to classify all Americans as ill-educated. Because that’s an educated answer. The idiot who wrote this article doesn’t know much history and has heavy sarcasm all over their article.

  • bobcapecod

    Good article; I’d like to read more from the Daily Currant. Remarks by Biden and John Kerry were hilarious.