The state of Illinois announced today that it has lost track of $1.7 billion in income tax payments made during this year’s tax season.
In a stunning statement this afternoon on local television, the state’s treasurer said authorities noticed the large sum of money was missing yesterday and fears that it may be gone forever.
“Unfortunately it seems we may have misplaced a big chunk of our tax revenues,” explained Benjamin Zajac in a press conference. “We’re not quite sure how this occurred. Apparently it disappeared last week and no one noticed until the bank told us our accounts were empty.
“We live in a very complicated world, and things like this are bound to happen. Nevertheless, I want to assure the people of Illinois that our best people are on the case. We may never find the missing money, but we hope to one day to identify those responsible.
“It could have been Russian hackers. It could have been Chinese hackers. Maybe a Mexican drug cartel? Who knows? It certainly wasn't any of the hard-working, squeaky-clean politicians in Springfield, that’s for sure. One thing, however, is abundantly clear: if we can’t find the missing money, everyone will have to pay their taxes over again.”
Swiss Miss
Illinois has long been considered one of the most misgoverned states in America. Four of its last seven governors in have been convicted of various crimes and sent to jail. Perhaps not surprisingly a recent Gallup poll puts confidence in Springfield politicians at an abysmal 28 percent.
The state’s finances are also in dire straights, with Illinois boasting the nation’s worst credit rating. And with nearly $50 billion in debt obligations, the missing revenue could not have come at a worst time.
“You see, the money gets collected and accounted for here in Chicago,” explained Department of Revenue head Samuel DeStefano at the press conference. “From there it goes to Springfield. It didn't get there.
“Who knows where the monies have went? They’re probably in some bank account in Switzerland by now. Sure we could ask the Swiss to cooperate with the investigation, but you know I don’t speak Swiss. And do I look like the kind of guy that’s gonna learn Swiss just to find a measly $1.7 billion?” he thundered while wearing a three-piece pinstripe suit and smoking a cigar.
Although the government says it has no leads, a number of curious circumstances around Springfield suggest the theft may have been an inside job. For starters 936 state government employees mysteriously retired last week.
“They just left without saying a word,” says the former neighbor of a mid-level state comptroller. “I asked the mailman for their forwarding address, and it turned out to be a post office box in Panama. Really weird.”
Meanwhile, a Springfield Mercedes Benz dealership says it has completely sold out of inventory in the past few days and there isn’t a single Ferrari dealer within 200 miles of Illinois that isn't completely sold out of cars.
“It’s crazy, we had 400 people come in last Friday,” says the owner of Chicago Ferrari on Rush Street. “Normally we get expensive looking types. Middle Eastern sheiks. Financial traders. But these guys were dressed like average joes. Like accountants or something.
“We took their cash all the same. But something didn't feel right about it.”
There have also been seven direct charter flights from Springfield to Geneva, Switzerland, in the past two weeks, whereas previously there has been only one in the past three decades.
Right All Along
Conservatives have been quick to link President Obama to what some observers believe could be the largest scandal in Illinois history.
“I blame Obama and his Chicago cronies. Illinois never had a corruption problem until Obama was elected,” “Bill O’Reilly said on his radio program.
Former Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich called into O’Reilly’s program from his Colorado prison where he is serving a 14-year sentence for wire fraud, attempted extortion, and conspiracy to solicit bribes.
“They’ll probably blame me. It’s easy to do,” the disgraced governor told O'Reilly. “If I was governor, this would not have happened. And let me tell you, the Cubs will win a World Series before they find that money, I guarantee you that much.”
