Today police used a device called the B-Note 300XS to disperse protesters gathered for the killing of unarmed 18-year-old Michael Brown. It creates a frequency of 5 to 9 Hz and was successful in causing unsuspecting protesters to defecate themselves in public.
According to police chief Thomas Jackson, the machine is also very cost effective. “We didn’t need to use any tear gas, rubber bullets, pepper spray, or even smoke bombs. All we needed was a bit of electricity and we were in business. Plus, it doesn’t look terrifying on television but accomplishes the same goal.
“It’s the future of crowd control.”
To combat the frequency generated by the device, the National Guard and police wore special ear plugs to cancel out the noise but protesters were not as fortunate.
A Ferguson protester, Dean Rollins, said, “It was just like that one South Park episode except for real. I didn’t know that technology existed but I sure do now.
“The humidity didn’t help. Worst case of mud butt ever.”
The smell became so bad that protestors had no choice but to go home. Rollins said he’d be back tomorrow but with a “spare pair of underwear.”
With thousands of protesters expected for tonight, organizers recommended everyone bring extra pairs of undergarments and ample baby wipes.
Local residents who stayed in their homes and did not participate in the protest were outraged by the use of the sound device. Rick Mango told USA Today, “I was sitting at home minding my own business when all of sudden I heard this faint noise. It was more of a feeling really. After about ten seconds I could stop going to the bathroom.
“I spent the next three hours in the bathroom.”
Chief Jackson dismissed Mango’s complaint by saying, “Big deal. I eat at Chick-Fil-A all the time.”
As the protesters quickly dispersed, National Guardsmen and police were seen giving high fives and fist bumps in celebration for what they called a “job well done.”
Rob Jerkinson, a National Guardsman and part time used-car salesman, said he was excited to try out the new toy. “You should have seen the expressions on the protester’s faces. It was priceless. Can’t wait to see it again tomorrow.
“Even with the smell, it was totally worth it.”
The B-Note 300XS is currently being dispensed to police departments across the country, and the use of them will become more frequent, according to reports.
“Hey, if we can embarrass people out of protesting, that works for me,” said Los Angeles police Chief Charlie Beck. “I’m excited to try it out; not on myself, but on civilians.”
With very little training required to use the device and the only cost being the electricity, demand outside police departments is soaring.
Adolph Duetch, the president of B-Note Corporation, said, “Bars and clubs who want patrons to leave at closing time are very interested. They think if you have someone special you want to bring home that night, defecating yourself is the last thing you want to happen. I can see their point.”
Duetch is so confident in the future success of his product he thinks you should “invest your retirement fund in Hanes underwear.”
The company is currently working on an app which will be available for the iPhone and Android devices.
“Just think of the pranking opportunities,” he said.