Texas Gov. Rick Perry announced today that he has successfully obtained the vaccine that cures the deadly Ebola virus.
During a news conference at Dallas Memorial Hospital, Perry told reporters that the vaccine will be shipped to Texas in the coming weeks in order to help the state deal with its Ebola cases – all thanks to a Nigerian doctor.
“Earlier this morning I received an email from the personal doctor of the Nigerian royal family offering to help us handle the Ebola outbreak,” a beaming Perry said. “This man, Dr. Johnson Emmanuel Obiang Attah, told me that Nigerian scientists have secretly discovered the cure for Ebola and are successfully treating thousands of patients. But he told me he wants to go public with the vaccine and let me be the first American to have it.”
Perry said the doctor is selling $12 million worth of the vaccine to Texas at a 10 percent discount of $10.8 million, plus shipping and processing costs.
“I don’t like to spend taxpayer money, but I figured this was a good deal that the people of Texas would support,” he added. “Let’s not forget – all our stupid scaremongering aside – that Ebola is a pretty dangerous disease. Plus, Dr. Johnson promised that the Texas state treasury would receive 5 percent of the funds, thanks to my assistance in bringing the vaccine to America.”
Stunned reporters told Perry that Nigeria, which successfully contained its Ebola outbreak, does not have a royal family and that he may have been the victim of an email scam. However, Perry repeatedly insisted the deal was legitimate.
“Out of all the governors in the United States, Dr. Johnson said he selected me personally because of my worldwide reputation as a reputable and trustworthy person he could do business with, and because I’m a man of God just like him,” Perry said.
“By now, Dr. Johnson has probably received my address, phone number, credit card info, bank account numbers, PIN numbers, Social Security number, and the passwords to my email accounts. He’ll begin shipping the vaccine as soon as he verifies the state bank’s info.”
Although Perry wanted to tour Dallas Memorial Hospital and let the doctors and patients know the good news, he was quickly escorted by staff to his SUV for “an emergency meeting.”
Texas Democratic Party Chairman Bill Dauterive said he was still flabbergasted at Perry’s announcement.
“Why the hell can we not defeat this guy?”
