Following recent revelations that the CIA brutally interrogated innocent people, violated laws, mismanaged the program, wasted millions of dollars, failed to get accurate information, and deliberately lied about it, the intelligence agency has pledged to be more transparent about potential torture programs in the future.
In an appearance before the Senate intelligence committee this morning, CIA Director John Brennan outlined his plan to restore Americans’ confidence in state-sanctioned torture, should the government ever need it again when fighting terrorism.
“I have heard the American people’s concerns that we may have gone a teensy weensy, eeny meeny bit too far with our ‘enhanced interrogation techniques’ of years past, and that we set a terrible precedent while damaging this country’s reputation,” he said when questioned on the Senate’s report.
“The CIA willingly ended this enhanced interrogation program in 2009 – though I don’t believe there was anything wrong with it because it saved lives – yet my Twitter feed has been blowing up with people calling for our punishment for authorizing, enabling, and covering up this program.
“Therefore, I am committed to proving to Americans that the CIA can admit when we need to reform – though I’m still not saying we did anything wrong – and that in the future we will exercise only the highest standards when it comes to aggressively interrogating people, innocent or not.”
Tortured logic
As a first step, Brennan said, new standards for “expert enhanced interrogators” are being implemented, while the use of long-discredited torture methods will be reconsidered.
“We no longer allow interrogators to sexually assault, threaten to murder detainees and their families, force them to stand on their broken bones or shove food and water up their assholes,” Brennan said. “Instead, we will use tried-and-true methods of interrogation such as waterboarding, sleep deprivation, and occasional sodomy with a broom handle if the situation calls for it.
“I’m proud to announce we have already received a flood of interrogator applications from a broad section of freedom-loving patriots, including many American police officers. The issues we’ve had with CIA interrogators who are angry, prone to violent behavior and sexually frustrated are long gone.”
Regarding sleep deprivation, “Suspects will no longer endure 180 hours of sleep deprivation; instead, it will be a max 170 hours. To put this in perspective, the average American spends 170 hours a week playing ‘Call of Duty’ or binge-watching ‘Orange is the New Black’ on Netflix. No big deal.”
Brennan admitted “we shouldn’t borrow enhanced interrogation techniques from the Chinese military, since we have subsequently learned those techniques aren’t actually meant to get truthful information from suspects. Call it a translator’s error on our part. But we’re constantly innovating better, homegrown enhanced interrogation methods.”
Brennan also invited skeptical congressmen and reporters from Rolling Stone, Salon, Mother Jones, NPR and Alternet to spend a few months in the CIA’s dungeons “for as long as necessary” to determine their safety and effectiveness.
