Obama Aide Says Reparations ‘Top Priority’

Jan 24, 2013

67581_5_Long absent from the national agenda, the issue of compensating African-Americans for their ancestors' time in servitude is poised to become a hot-button issue in President Obama's second term.

According to key White House adviser Valerie Jarrett, the Obama administration will take a 'very serious look' at the issue of reparations over the next year, and hopes to offer the nation's 40 million African Americans a large cash payout in early 2014. 

Speaking candidly to Jet Magazine, Jarrett says that black Americans are entitled to receive the wages never paid to their ancestors and that the issue has become a 'top priority' within Obama's inner circle.

"A lot of naive white and Latino people assume that Obama is in office to serve their interests," Jarrett admits,"But those of us who speak with the President every day know that his loyalties lie squarely and exclusively within our community."

"We've been waiting 150  years for our 40 acres and a mule. And guess what? We demand to be paid - with interest."

More Money, Less Problems

According to the interview, a special White House task force has been established with the mission of determining the fair level of compensation and the best way to disburse the money.

"So far we're leaning towards the neighborhood of $100,000 made in a one time cash payment," Jarrett explains.

The total cost of such a program will be approximately $4 trillion dollars. But despite the high price tag, Jarrett says that the program will be paid for in full through new revenues.

"It would be unfair to impose this burden on people whose ancestors never owned slaves or whose ancestors immigrated to this country after the Civil War," she argues, "Therefore we'll be placing a special tax on Southern whites to pay for this spending."

"If you eat grits for breakfast, drink sweet tea, or have Jeff Foxworthy albums on cassette tape in your car - you'll be getting a bill from us. And If you know who Larry the Cable Guy is, you'll be facing an extra surcharge."

Jarrett admits that in the likely event that Congress will refuse to act, President Obama will institute his reparations program through executive order.

"We spent $5 trillion in the first term on Republican priorities like tax cuts for big business and bailing out their country club friends on Wall Street. We're not gonna let Congress stop us from spending another $4 trillion. After all, this time its for a good cause."

  • Guest

    Something is wrong here. I don’t buy this at all.

  • AndOnandOn Anon

    “The Daily Currant - The Global Satirical Newspaper of Record.”

  • http://www.facebook.com/allison.wilcox Allison M Wilcox

    It’s satire people - that mean’s it’s not true,
    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Satire

  • bbmcrae

    Nice job stealing this joke from The Onion, but also making it much less funny, guys! That’s a twofer!

  • Facebook User

    How is his stolen from the Onion?

  • namvetted68

    Is this before or after Obama gives us our free cell phone, 60″ LED teevee, and deluxe apartment in the sky? My folks used to hope for the promised mule and 40 acres to plow, but this man has made us glad we now get a piece of the pie.

  • L.E. Bradley

    Racist at best! Before paying ‘reparations’ to the A/A’s, how about righting all of the wrongs the US government has committed against the American Indian? What about the land grabs, the broken treaties (NONE of which have been honored), involuntary servitudes, the numerous acts of genocide and a whole litany of other atrocities the US govenment has perpetrated against the American Indian!

    If this does happen, there’s gonna to be a whole bunch of pissed off Indians!

  • J Brown

    For any fool who believes all this nonsense about “reparations”, I have a big bridge in Brooklyn that I’d like to sell to you. I’ll even give you discount: 100 bucks and it’s all yours.

  • Shaye
  • DailyCurrant

    Because two people thought of somewhat similar jokes at very different times does not mean it is stolen. Reparations jokes have been an ongoing staple of the Obama presidency.

  • Eddie Coyle

    The Indians made war, committed genocide and took over the lands of tribes that were defeated for centuries before the White man ever showed up. It is the history of all humans. Get over it.

  • DebKnauff

    I’ve got news for you…Not all Americans are naive nor do we believe that Obama has our interests in mind. WE know he’s bleeding us dry and making white Americans pay for something that happened YEARS back is utterly stupid! In that case, the Jewish should sue everyone for what was done to them in Germany! And that was far more worse!