Earlier this week, soon-to-be former Congresswoman Michele Bachmann made headlines for her run-in with President Barack Obama at a White House Holiday party, where she implored him to “bomb the Iranian nuclear facilities,” to which the President replied, “Well, Michele, not this Christmas, but maybe next year.”
Offended, Bachmann chose to cut right through any government red tape and go directly to the man in the red suit to make all her Christmas wishes come true.
The Minnesota Republican accidentally leaked the letter she penned to Santa, when she attached the document to a mass e-vite to her tea party themed congressional retirement party. In the letter, she asks Santa to drop “a bomb or two” from his sleigh on his way over the Middle East and swears “[she] was a good girl this year.”
The list also includes “Christmas sweaters for all of my prayer warriors, an intelligent design tool kit, an Obama dart board, a Glenn Beck blow-up doll” and “a pony, but not a gay one.”
Another item on the list: a map. We can only assume this request was the consequence of an embarrassing critique of Obama’s foreign policy earlier this year. Following Obama’s decision to send 100 troops to Uganda, Bachmann reamed the president for spreading U.S. forces too thin. “He puts us in Libya. He is now putting us in Asia,” Bachmann said. To be fair, Libya does sound like it could be in Asia.
Our affiliates at the North Pole have reached out to a Mr. Claus who was either unavailable for comment, or simply doesn’t exist.
Santa: Bachmann’s Political Protégé
In a press release addressing the leak, Bachmann recalls a previous rendezvous with a man she identifies as “the real” Santa Claus at the Mall of America in her home state of Minnesota.
“A couple of Christmases ago, I was sitting on Santa’s lap at the mall, and I noticed it wasn’t as comfortable as it had been in the past. He told me it was on account of the kindle he kept in his pockets for making fire, because it was so cold these days in the North Pole.”
Bachmann credits this exchange for her position on climate change. “If Santa has to carry around wood on account of the cold, this whole Global Warming nonsense is just a bunch of liberal phooey. Next thing, they’re gonna start saying Christmas trees are bad for the environment!”
Bachmann has also gone on the record saying that Santa is a Republican, and that’s why his suit is red and his hair is extra white.
