Retailers are reporting a 2,000% spike in sales of nylon rope in the three days leading up to Valentine’s Day.
“We always see a spike in rope sales because of the depressing nature of Valentines Day for many single adults,” said reporter Rudolph Zachery. “And with the addition of the 50 Shades Of Gray film release, ropes sales are sailing to new heights not seen since the New England shipyards of the 1800s.”
Home Depot representative, Robert Lowes said, “Rope sales always spikes during this love season. We even add an extra aisle of rope for our consumers to choose from.
“Usually, the rope buyers are middle age men, balding, with a clip on their belt for their cell phones. This year we saw a huge influx of excited woman also purchasing rope. We even had to place ‘Slippery When Wet’ floor signs in many of the rope isles.”
Home Depots are even teaching consumers how to tie several types of knots with the help of local Boy Scout Troops. “Learning to tie a noose is always high in demand. This year we saw more women looking to tie slip knots,” Wisconsin troopmaster Moe Simpson told the Wausau Daily Herald. “We bring in some Boy Scouts to help teach these middle aged men and women. It’s a great event for the kids to demonstrate their knowledge and shows we care about our community.”
The Boy Scouts enjoy teaching adults how to tie knots. Scout member Timmy Thomas said, “I like teaching grown-ups how to tie knots. I don’t know why they all want to learn the noose knot. I hope they find it useful.
“And this year many mommies wanted to know how to tie a slip knots to bed posts, so that was fun.”
Tying The Knot, Not
Some customers met in line while buying their rope. “I’d say the 50 Shades film saved a few peoples lives today,” said Pasadena, CA Home Depot manager Tom Thompson. “It was a strange day.”
Rope buyer Brent Roberts told Bloomberg News, “I was buying a rope to hang myself but then I saw this beautiful woman behind me also buying a rope, so we had something in common to discuss. It was a perfect ‘in’. I ended up getting her number and later returning the rope for store credit. I’m hoping that money goes towards buying her flowers.
“Home Depot saved my life. It’s the best place to pick up chicks. As they say, rope is cheaper than roses. Or do I have that backwards?"
