Yahoo disclosed to investors today that it has insured CEO Marissa Mayer's vagina for $100M, admitting her womanhood was the only appealing asset the struggling company has left.
The flailing internet leviathan hired Mayer in July as part of an effort to dig itself out of the portal-age into the Web 3.0 era. Giddy Wall Street analysts expected the respected, intelligent, seasoned Google executive to bring a new strategic vision to Yahoo's venerable brand.
Instead, in a misguided attempt to differentiate itself from Google's math-oriented, 'masculine' culture, Yahoo has done nothing the past six months except boast to every journalist and blogger with a pulse about how wonderful it is working with a CEO that does not have a penis.
In case you've missed the flattering article in The New York Times, the fawning tome in the New Yorker, the unspellchecked cheerleading in TechCrunch, the shameless fluffing in New York Magazine or the countless other examples of PR-firm manipulated non-journalism in other publications - Yahoo seems to think its most important strategic asset is its leader's genitalia.
Yet Another Haughty Ostentatious Oracle
Yahoo's stock has performed admirably since Mayer's arrival. However, its valuation still greatly lags its technology peers, with a P/E of 6 compared to Google's 21.
And most of the recent movement has not been because of improving financial performance, but rather due to a one-off sale of its stake in Chinese internet giant Alibaba Group and subsequent share buybacks.
In an exclusive interview board member Peter Liguori refused to answer our questions about Yahoo's lagging share price, its lack of a coherent mobile strategy, its disastrous experiment in outsourcing search to Microsoft, and the long term wisdom of selling out of China.
Rather, he offered a rousing defense of Yahoo's singular focus on gender politics and its $100M investment in the right kind of genitals:
"If we loose her vagina, we're pretty much finished as a company. Now that our presence in Asia has been neutered, there's literally nothing to like about Yahoo other than the fact we're led by a modestly attractive woman."
The costly insurance policy calls for a payout in the event that Mayer's vagina is "damaged, disfigured, or otherwise rendered unrecognizable". It is underwritten by Lloyd's of London, who is said to be justifiably proud about living up to its reputation of insuring absolutely anything.
