Drug Kingpins Thank U.S. Government at Annual Award Show

 

The brightest lights in the international drug trafficking industry fêted their own last night at the star-studded Druggie awards in Panama City, Panama. The 3rd annual award show celebrated excellence and achievement in the field of global drug crime.

The notoriously territorial drug cartels put their differences aside once a year to celebrate the shared spoils of their $300 billion a year industry. Although the night's statuettes were widely spread between Latin American cocaine cartels and Old World heroin runners, the biggest star of the night was perhaps the U.S. government - whose opposition to sensible drug laws make brutal global drug syndicates possible.... Read More →

Newt Gingrich Invests Remaining Campaign Cash in Mega Millions Lottery

 

Long-shot U.S. presidential contender Newt Gingrich has unvieled a bold new strategy for keeping his faltering bid for the Republican Party's nomination alive despite the near mathematical certainty that rival Mitt Romney will ultimately be declared the nominee.

America's two major parties determine their candidates for president through a months-long byzantine process of primary elections conducted in each U.S. state and territory. Each contest awards candidates a certain number of delegates who will make the official choice at party conventions in late summer. A candidate must accumulate 1144 delegates to win.  More than half the contests have already taken place and Romney currently has 550 delegates compared to Gingrich's 132.... Read More →

Saudi Arabia Seriously Considering Allowing Women to Use Forks

 

The Kingdom of Saudi Arabia announced today that it was leaning towards taking a step forward for women's rights and finally allow its female population to use forks. The highly anticipated move comes as the autocratic Islamic regime faces calls to be banned from the 2012 Olympic Games in London over its refusal to field women athletes and ongoing criticism around the world for its overall record on women's rights.

A spokesperson for the Saudi government says "We hope this gesture of goodwill today will assure our critics that the Kingdom is open to reform on all issues and is sensitive to the needs of its female population."

... Read More →

U.S. Republicans In Push to Christianize Exoplanets

 

Republicans in the lower chamber of the U.S. Congress introduced a bill today that would require NASA to include a Christian missionary on any future manned trips to planets outside our solar system, with the goal of  "shining the light of Jesus Christ across the cosmos."

Astronomers have thus far identified 763 such extra-solar planets and estimate that there may be as many as 100 billion exoplanets in our galaxy alone. Although scientists do not currently have the ability to look for signs of life on these far off worlds, some number of these exoplanets are believed to lie within the habitable zone of their stars and could thus be suitable candidates for life.... Read More →

Google Offering Gold Krugerrands for Google+ Engagement

 

Google Plus LogoSince the launch of Google+ in June 2011 Google has adopted a very aggressive strategy to promote its Facebook-like social networking site. Burned by the abject failures of its Google Buzz, Google Wave and Google Friend Connect, and embarrassed by the fading popularity of Orkut outside dial-up connections in the Lusophone world, the Mountian View, CA based company is determined to leverage its dominance in search to make its latest foray into social networking a success.

In that effort Google has thus seeded its now ubiquitous "+1" button across its search results, YouTube, and AdSense. Its has privileged Google + content over that of Facebook and Twitter in its search engine. It has strongly recommended users of other Google services such as Gmail and Picassa to sign up for Google+. It has recently fundamentally redesigned the site to make it look more like Facebook's Timeline.  And the company even ran a Google+ ad featuring The Muppets during the Academy Awards.... Read More →

Bill Clinton in “Personal” Plea for U.S. Immigration Reform

 

In a speech to a hostile audience  at the headquarters of the anti-illegal immigration group the Minteueman Project, former U.S. President Bill Clinton made an impassioned plea for congress and the White House to reform that nation's immigration system, which he described as "broken",  "chaotic" and "unnecessarily restrictive". The U.S. has debated for nearly a decade measures to combat illegal immigration - mostly originating from Latin American countries - while also encouraging highly skilled workers to settle in what remains the world's number one destination for immigrants.... Read More →

Lloyd Blankfein “Saves Humanity”, Donates Brain to Science

 

Still loathed by the international public four years after precipitating the greatest economic collapse since the Great Depression, American investment bank Goldman Sachs has found itself in a new quandary as the firm faces allegations that it invested in a company that runs a child sex trafficking website.

Upon being presented the allegations by the New York Times the mega-connected Wall Street firm quickly divested its interest in a private equity fund which held a stake in Village Voice Media , the company that runs the website in question. However, Goldman's CEO has gone further, personally vowing to never let such a thing happen again.... Read More →

Shock as India Trades Goa for Kashmir

 

Shock reigned across South Asia today as it was revealed that the region's two biggest rivals had solved a decades long territorial dispute overnight. Pakistani and Indian officials announced this morning that following months of secret talks Pakistan has agreed to trade the parts of Kashmir under its control for the Indian coastal enclave of Goa, a former Portuguese colony known mostly for the quality of its beaches.

Indian Prime Minister Manmohan Singh and Pakistani President Asif Ali Zardari held a joint news conference in New Delhi where Singh extolled the virtues of the deal which finally unites the province of Kashmir for the first time since the partition of British India in 1947, while also allowing Pakistanis access to decent beaches for the first time in their history.  "Kashmir and Goa are both very important parts of our national identity," Singh exclaimed "But when the opportunity presented itself to finally achieve victory in Kashmir, it was a chance too good to pass up."... Read More →

New iPhone App Will Revolutionize the Way You Think About Toaster Pastries

 

Have you ever agonized over not getting your sugary breakfast food out of the toaster at exactly the right time? You know what I mean. You're late to the office (or school or whatever). You pop a Pop Tart in your toaster while you're busy changing in the next room and getting your last minute Powerpoint together.

As you're putting the finishing touches on your genius proposal, BOOM - you remember that you popped that pastry in the toaster. But alas, your pastry is now too cold to eat, and if you throw it back in the toaster it will overcook. Yes - your pastry is lost.... Read More →

Vegetarianism ‘More Dangerous Than Smoking’

 

Researchers at Harvard Medical School reported last month that consumption of red meat greatly increased the risk of death from all causes. Their 16 year study found that  each extra three ounces of red meat eaten daily increases one's risk of cardiovascular disease by 16%, cancer by 10% and death from all causes by 12%.

However, this week researchers at the Coalition for a Balanced Diet - a group funded mostly be large U.S. meat companies - have presented a contrasting study. The new study finds that people who follow a strictly vegetarian diet actually increase their risk of all cancers by a whopping 385%. This striking conclusion would mean that excluding meat from one's diet contributes more to one's cancer risk than any other single cause - including smoking.... Read More →

Broken Printing Press Threatens Global Economic Recovery

 

Concerns swirled around Washington D.C. and New York today as leaders in the United States' political and economic capitals fretted about the impact of a partial shutdown of a Bureau of Engraving and Printing facility in Fort Worth, Texas. The facility produces half of the paper currency in the United States and since Monday has been operating at 25% capacity due to a technical error in several of its printing machines.

In a speech to the Economic Club of New York Federal Reserve chairman Ben Bernanke  made clear the urgency of the situation, "We all know that the foundation of economic growth is printing enough money to meet the government's spending needs. What's happening now in Fort Worth is very troubling . We at the Federal Reserve are monitoring things very carefully and are prepared to act if needed."... Read More →

Florida Rethinking “Shoot Blacks First” Law

 

The US state of Florida, home to legal fiascoes such as the 2000 US Presidential Election , is considering abandoning a law that allows its white citizens to shoot its black citizens whenever they feel like it. Pressure to change the law has been intense since the shooting of Trayvon Martin, a 17 year old black high school student who was killed while unarmed by George Zimmerman, an overzealous neighborhood watchman.

A spokesperson for the state claimed that the law was intended as a way to deter crime, but this incident has shown that perhaps it is not particually effective. "It sounded like a good idea at the time" he explains, "I mean if you let white people shoot black people, you get rid of most of the criminals right? At least that's what we thought would happen."... Read More →