Politics

Romney Leaves Rally Flummoxed By Height of Ohio Trees

 

romneyMitt Romney - the dendrophile U.S. Presidental candidate from the state of Michigan - abruptly halted a campaign stop today in the neighboring state of Ohio due to his intense discomfort with the height of that state's trees.

Romney was at a campaign rally in Mill Stream Run Park  in Strongsville Thursday when half way into his stump speech he began to become visibly uncomfortable as he stared into the forest beyond the crowd.

Deep into a stinging critique of Barack Obama and his "failure to lead on the economy", Romney paused unexpectedly for about fifteen seconds as he scanned the forest's horizon like a Roman sentry looking for Visigoth trebuchets before commenting to a puzzled crowd:... Read More →

North Korea Successfully Launches 50,000 Kilos of Rice Into Space

 

Confusion reigned across the globe today as North Korea announced that it had yesterday successively tested a new orbital heavy lift launch vehicle by launching a massive payload of 50,000 kilograms of rice into low-earth orbit.

The diplomatically and economically isolated Stalinist dictatorship  - officially known as the Democratic People's Republic of Korea (DPRK)- revealed the May 21 launch on state television and boasted that its Juche I rocket will herald  "a new era in the struggle against American imperialism of the heavens"... Read More →

Hollande Hires Banlieue Youths to Clean Elysee Palace With Karcher

 

In a move rife with symbolism newly elected French president François Hollande has hired eight underprivileged youths from one of France's poorest neighborhoods to help clean up the Elysee presidential palace recently vacated by his predecessor Nicolas Sarkozy.

The ad-hoc cleaning crew from the troubled Paris suburb of Clichy-Sous-Bois will spend two months powerwashing the palace's walls, floors, and corridors with Karcher brand electric high-pressure water cleaners to remove unsightly levels of mold, rust, and calcified decay which had built up during the Sarkozy presidency. ... Read More →

Investigation Reveals Cornwall Left U.K. in 2004, Nobody Noticed

 

Amidst the furor of a potential referendum on Scottish independence, an investigation by The Daily Currant can reveal that the English region of Cornwall left the United Kingdom in 2004 and has been an indepdnent country now for nearly 6 years.

The revelation has sparked curiosity amongst the British public - many of whom had never known the former Celctic kingdom which was incorprated into England in the 11th century had ever been part of the U.K. at all. ... Read More →

South Africa Commends U.S. on Human Rights Progress

 

Following U.S. President Obama's statement yesterday in favor of the right for American gays to marry, Maite Nkoana-Mashabane - South Africa's Minister of Internatinoal Affairs and Cooperation -  issued a statement applauding the U.S. on "moving towards the South African example of human rights for all."

The statement also expressed that although the South African government was still skeptical that marriage equality will be enacted in all 50 states anytime soon, it welcomed Obama's gesture as a  "move in a positive direction."... Read More →

North Carolina Divorce Lawyers in Crisis as Homosexual Threat Averted

 

Yesterday the U.S. state of North Carolina overwhelmingly passed a referendum which extended that state's already existent ban on gay marriage into the its constitution - making it the 30th state in America to do so.

Today the Alliance of North Carolina Divorce Attorneys (ANCDA) announced that it will be accepting donations for an emergency relief fund designed to cushion the financial impact of  the measure - known as Amendment One  - on its members and their families.... Read More →

David Cameron Asks India to Pay for English Language

 

British Prime Minister David Cameron will shortly unveil a plan to boost the U.K government's sagging finances in which India and other members of the Commonwealth of Nations would be asked to pay for the use of the English language, the Daily Currant can reveal.

The plan comes amid the news that the U.K. economy has plunged back into recession and highlights the growing economic gap between Britain - which once dominated the world economy for centuries - and its far more prosperous former colonies. ... Read More →

China Arrests Lovestruck Blogger For Crimes Against the State

 

Don't Call it LoveThe People's Republic of China announced today that is has arrested a young blogger for  "anti-revolution" and "dissident" activities.  Zhū Yǔnwén (朱允炆), a 12 year old from outside Beijing, is accused of inciding sympathies for the Taiwanese and American governments though his posts on Twitter-like microblogging site Weibo and the social networking site Ren-Ren.... Read More →

Muderers Pour Into North Dakota to Avoid Death Penalty

 

Murderers from around the United States have been flocking to the state of North Dakota to escape the threat of the death penalty, The Daily Currant can reveal. Lured by the prospect of being able to murder without being killed themselves, several thousand ordinary Americans who simply want to kill someone have set up camp in this flat, isolated Upper Midwestern state and are expected to target their victims in the coming months.

The United States is the only Western country which retains the death penalty and with 43 executions is ranked 5th - behind China, Iran, Saudi Arabia, and Iraq - in the total number performed last year. Yemen and North Korea were 6th and 7th, respectively.... Read More →

Drug Kingpins Thank U.S. Government at Annual Award Show

 

The brightest lights in the international drug trafficking industry fêted their own last night at the star-studded Druggie awards in Panama City, Panama. The 3rd annual award show celebrated excellence and achievement in the field of global drug crime.

The notoriously territorial drug cartels put their differences aside once a year to celebrate the shared spoils of their $300 billion a year industry. Although the night's statuettes were widely spread between Latin American cocaine cartels and Old World heroin runners, the biggest star of the night was perhaps the U.S. government - whose opposition to sensible drug laws make brutal global drug syndicates possible.... Read More →

Newt Gingrich Invests Remaining Campaign Cash in Mega Millions Lottery

 

Long-shot U.S. presidential contender Newt Gingrich has unvieled a bold new strategy for keeping his faltering bid for the Republican Party's nomination alive despite the near mathematical certainty that rival Mitt Romney will ultimately be declared the nominee.

America's two major parties determine their candidates for president through a months-long byzantine process of primary elections conducted in each U.S. state and territory. Each contest awards candidates a certain number of delegates who will make the official choice at party conventions in late summer. A candidate must accumulate 1144 delegates to win.  More than half the contests have already taken place and Romney currently has 550 delegates compared to Gingrich's 132.... Read More →

Saudi Arabia Seriously Considering Allowing Women to Use Forks

 

The Kingdom of Saudi Arabia announced today that it was leaning towards taking a step forward for women's rights and finally allow its female population to use forks. The highly anticipated move comes as the autocratic Islamic regime faces calls to be banned from the 2012 Olympic Games in London over its refusal to field women athletes and ongoing criticism around the world for its overall record on women's rights.

A spokesperson for the Saudi government says "We hope this gesture of goodwill today will assure our critics that the Kingdom is open to reform on all issues and is sensitive to the needs of its female population."

... Read More →

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