Politics

South Africa Commends U.S. on Human Rights Progress

 

Following U.S. President Obama's statement yesterday in favor of the right for American gays to marry, Maite Nkoana-Mashabane - South Africa's Minister of Internatinoal Affairs and Cooperation -  issued a statement applauding the U.S. on "moving towards the South African example of human rights for all."

The statement also expressed that although the South African government was still skeptical that marriage equality will be enacted in all 50 states anytime soon, it welcomed Obama's gesture as a  "move in a positive direction."... Read More →

North Carolina Divorce Lawyers in Crisis as Homosexual Threat Averted

 

Yesterday the U.S. state of North Carolina overwhelmingly passed a referendum which extended that state's already existent ban on gay marriage into the its constitution - making it the 30th state in America to do so.

Today the Alliance of North Carolina Divorce Attorneys (ANCDA) announced that it will be accepting donations for an emergency relief fund designed to cushion the financial impact of  the measure - known as Amendment One  - on its members and their families.... Read More →

David Cameron Asks India to Pay for English Language

 

British Prime Minister David Cameron will shortly unveil a plan to boost the U.K government's sagging finances in which India and other members of the Commonwealth of Nations would be asked to pay for the use of the English language, the Daily Currant can reveal.

The plan comes amid the news that the U.K. economy has plunged back into recession and highlights the growing economic gap between Britain - which once dominated the world economy for centuries - and its far more prosperous former colonies. ... Read More →

China Arrests Lovestruck Blogger For Crimes Against the State

 

Don't Call it LoveThe People's Republic of China announced today that is has arrested a young blogger for  "anti-revolution" and "dissident" activities.  Zhū Yǔnwén (朱允炆), a 12 year old from outside Beijing, is accused of inciding sympathies for the Taiwanese and American governments though his posts on Twitter-like microblogging site Weibo and the social networking site Ren-Ren.... Read More →

Muderers Pour Into North Dakota to Avoid Death Penalty

 

Murderers from around the United States have been flocking to the state of North Dakota to escape the threat of the death penalty, The Daily Currant can reveal. Lured by the prospect of being able to murder without being killed themselves, several thousand ordinary Americans who simply want to kill someone have set up camp in this flat, isolated Upper Midwestern state and are expected to target their victims in the coming months.

The United States is the only Western country which retains the death penalty and with 43 executions is ranked 5th - behind China, Iran, Saudi Arabia, and Iraq - in the total number performed last year. Yemen and North Korea were 6th and 7th, respectively.... Read More →

Drug Kingpins Thank U.S. Government at Annual Award Show

 

The brightest lights in the international drug trafficking industry fêted their own last night at the star-studded Druggie awards in Panama City, Panama. The 3rd annual award show celebrated excellence and achievement in the field of global drug crime.

The notoriously territorial drug cartels put their differences aside once a year to celebrate the shared spoils of their $300 billion a year industry. Although the night's statuettes were widely spread between Latin American cocaine cartels and Old World heroin runners, the biggest star of the night was perhaps the U.S. government - whose opposition to sensible drug laws make brutal global drug syndicates possible.... Read More →

Newt Gingrich Invests Remaining Campaign Cash in Mega Millions Lottery

 

Long-shot U.S. presidential contender Newt Gingrich has unvieled a bold new strategy for keeping his faltering bid for the Republican Party's nomination alive despite the near mathematical certainty that rival Mitt Romney will ultimately be declared the nominee.

America's two major parties determine their candidates for president through a months-long byzantine process of primary elections conducted in each U.S. state and territory. Each contest awards candidates a certain number of delegates who will make the official choice at party conventions in late summer. A candidate must accumulate 1144 delegates to win.  More than half the contests have already taken place and Romney currently has 550 delegates compared to Gingrich's 132.... Read More →

Saudi Arabia Seriously Considering Allowing Women to Use Forks

 

The Kingdom of Saudi Arabia announced today that it was leaning towards taking a step forward for women's rights and finally allow its female population to use forks. The highly anticipated move comes as the autocratic Islamic regime faces calls to be banned from the 2012 Olympic Games in London over its refusal to field women athletes and ongoing criticism around the world for its overall record on women's rights.

A spokesperson for the Saudi government says "We hope this gesture of goodwill today will assure our critics that the Kingdom is open to reform on all issues and is sensitive to the needs of its female population."

... Read More →

Bill Clinton in “Personal” Plea for U.S. Immigration Reform

 

In a speech to a hostile audience  at the headquarters of the anti-illegal immigration group the Minteueman Project, former U.S. President Bill Clinton made an impassioned plea for congress and the White House to reform that nation's immigration system, which he described as "broken",  "chaotic" and "unnecessarily restrictive". The U.S. has debated for nearly a decade measures to combat illegal immigration - mostly originating from Latin American countries - while also encouraging highly skilled workers to settle in what remains the world's number one destination for immigrants.... Read More →

Shock as India Trades Goa for Kashmir

 

Shock reigned across South Asia today as it was revealed that the region's two biggest rivals had solved a decades long territorial dispute overnight. Pakistani and Indian officials announced this morning that following months of secret talks Pakistan has agreed to trade the parts of Kashmir under its control for the Indian coastal enclave of Goa, a former Portuguese colony known mostly for the quality of its beaches.

Indian Prime Minister Manmohan Singh and Pakistani President Asif Ali Zardari held a joint news conference in New Delhi where Singh extolled the virtues of the deal which finally unites the province of Kashmir for the first time since the partition of British India in 1947, while also allowing Pakistanis access to decent beaches for the first time in their history.  "Kashmir and Goa are both very important parts of our national identity," Singh exclaimed "But when the opportunity presented itself to finally achieve victory in Kashmir, it was a chance too good to pass up."... Read More →

Florida Rethinking “Shoot Blacks First” Law

 

The US state of Florida, home to legal fiascoes such as the 2000 US Presidential Election , is considering abandoning a law that allows its white citizens to shoot its black citizens whenever they feel like it. Pressure to change the law has been intense since the shooting of Trayvon Martin, a 17 year old black high school student who was killed while unarmed by George Zimmerman, an overzealous neighborhood watchman.

A spokesperson for the state claimed that the law was intended as a way to deter crime, but this incident has shown that perhaps it is not particually effective. "It sounded like a good idea at the time" he explains, "I mean if you let white people shoot black people, you get rid of most of the criminals right? At least that's what we thought would happen."... Read More →

Ayatollah Khamenei Endorses Rick Santorum

 

Ayatollah Seyed Ali Hosseini Khamenei, the Supreme Leader of Iran has decided to endorse Rick Santorum for the US Republican presidential nomination. Speaking in a television interview to Iranian state owned Press TV, Khamenei says he was impressed with Santorum's dedication to his faith and opposition to homosexuality.

"I don't agree with Rick on every issue," the Ayatollah explained, "But he's right on the right to life. He's right on the place of women in the workplace. He's right on standing up to the homosexual agenda. The more I hear from him the more I like."... Read More →