This week you may have heard the controversy about me and how I employ a ghostwriter to write all my columns and books, which I don’t bother to read before print.
It’s true. My newspaper and online columns were written by an employee, Tim Graham, while I took all the credit and most of the money. Tim wrote all my columns on how Ellen DeGeneres, Glee, Stephen Colbert and Family Guy are destroying America.
Tim even created my distinct Bozzell-isms. He’s not the most thought-provoking writer, I admit, but he is always dependable (and willing to work cheap). He even sleeps with my wife if I’m too busy.
It’s embarrassing that my secret was exposed. Yet I should not be singled out for criticism. I thought every conservative pundit used ghostwriters.
Look at big names like Bill O’Reilly, Michelle Malkin, Sean Hannity, Jonah Goldberg, Larry Elder and Laura Ingraham. When do they have the time to sit down and write new columns every week? Or find enough free time to churn out a new book, year after year?
We’re political pundits, not Stephen King. They probably the same ghostwriter, which is why they often sound the same. I bet Ann Coulter hasn’t written a column herself since 1998. Have you noticed anything different in her writing since then?
Ghostbusted
Look, I’m a busy man. Whether it’s going on TV and calling President Obama a crack baby, claiming gays should be treated as sexual deviants, or demanding a government crackdown on television that I deem offensive, my time is precious.
Remember the Super Bowl controversy in 2004, when Janet Jackson’s “wardrobe malfunction” exposed 144.4 million Americans to her right boob for 9/16ths of a second? I’m the guy who convinced 65,000 people -- 0.04 percent of the audience -- to complain, causing a media firestorm and forcing the FCC to fine CBS a record $550,000, just for briefly seeing Jackson’s tit.
I spent almost half an hour writing the mass email that convinced those 65,000 people to complain. I don’t have time to write a column when I’m so busy organizing a grassroots effort against media indecency.
That’s why having ghostwriters compose our material is essential, especially with websites like NewsMax, World Net Daily and TownHall demanding new columns from us each week. You just tell the ghostwriter the issue you want to cover, and they do all the writing. It’s a good system because it’s efficient, our readers don’t complain, and we still get paid.
Indecent proposal
Well, the secret is out, and you know what? I’m not ashamed. As long as I get published, I will continue to employ ghostwriters to write my material.
In fact, I am now seeking applications. If you’re interested in becoming my ghostwriter, please send me your resume, a cover letter and three writing samples that demonstrate just how much you hate media bias, sexual liberation and free expression.
If you’ve got what it takes, then either my secretary, my personal assistant, my office manager, or one of my college interns should get back to you in a timely manner.
L. Brent Bozzell III is a media and cultural issues activist. The views expressed in this column are solely the views of his ghostwriter.
