Climate Change Preventing Second Coming of Jesus, Study Says

Nov 14, 2014

Jaenschwalde Coal-Fired Power PlantGlobal warming and climate change are harming God’s creations and preventing the Second Coming of Jesus Christ, a study released this week has found.

The study, authored by respected Christian non-scientists at Liberty and Bob Jones universities, found that while God still controls the weather, humans are interfering with his work and causing global warming and climate change through sinful, destructive activities. In addition, the study found humans are also committing a sin by ignoring the deadly effects.

“The Bible states, ‘The earth is the Lord's, and everything in it, the world, and all who live in it; for he founded it upon the seas and established it upon the waters,’ ” the study said. “ 'All things were created by him and for him.’ So it’s clear God would be really pissed off if we destroyed His property. After all, He created the world in six days, and He is technically renting it out to us. We know He evicted His previous tenants, the dinosaurs, as soon as humans were created.”

The study also found it will be impossible for Jesus Christ to return if nothing is done to mitigate human-induced climate change.

“Jesus will have a tough time coming back to judge the living and dead if half the Earth is underwater and people are too busy dying from starvation and conflict over limited resources to pay attention to him,” the study said. “Even Israel will be flooded and experience hotter temperatures, and guys like Jesus tend to complain about the weather.”

Preach to the choir

Since the release of the study, conservative religious groups -- who have traditionally opposed the science behind climate change studies -- are demanding immediate action.

“This study should convince those who deny climate change, as it's obvious God is providing lots of hints that it is for real,” said Nedward Flanders, president of the National Conference of Evangelical Christians. “It’s offensive to me when skeptics say belief in climate change is like a religion, as if religion and belief are bad things.”

Congressional Republicans, who speak for every Christian in America, announced today they will work to pass legislation aimed at curbing global warming.

“As usual, the Republican Party will take the lead and do whatever it takes to reverse and correct these damaging trends caused by global climate change,” Oklahoma Sen. Jim Inhofe, the incoming Senate Science Committee chairman, said in a statement. “I call on President Barack Obama to quit wasting time and hurry up and sign the Kyoto Protocol.”

Texas Sen. Ted Cruz, a potential presidential candidate in 2016 and climate change denier, said he has always supported a global effort to reduce the use of fossil fuels and pollutants and promote environmentally friendly alternatives.

“I am deeply concerned about the effects of global climate change that could take place between now and 2024,” Cruz said in a statement. “Oh yeah, and about our children’s future. I’m also concerned about that.”

  • InMyView

    Spokesperson for Jesus Christ denied any rumors of Second Coming of Jesus Christ : ” Mr. J.Christ never came second in His life and He is not about to start now ! “.

  • Doug Adams

    (Grumbling” I am older “son or daughter” (I am equal opportunity) its “Obamas” fault. Cruz just twittered me, ( if you hold your phone around your hips while it does,anyway its kinda cool ; ) but he and “Brietbart” on my computer told me, “Barack Obama” is responsible. Peace

  • John Doe

    This is why it’s important to have clean air - we don’t want Jesus choking on it when comes back descending through the clouds.

  • sudon’t

    Preposterous! Man cannot alter God’s perfect, unchanging creation. This is how we know “global warming” is a hoax, and no Republican, nor any graduate of Bob Jones University, would ever say otherwise. Notice they never named the authors of the study? Ha! Nice try, Daily Currant!

  • WhiteRabitt

    What a crock of BULLSHIT

  • Craig King

    “Nedward Flanders” broke the spell. Nice one though, raised a smile on this climate nonconformist’s face.

  • Joe Bloggs

    I’m glad irony isn’t lost on you.

  • John Wren

    This is a joke right?

  • high treason

    Very funny. Unfortunately, there are people who will swallow anything, including kool-aid.

  • the Griss

    God provided all that coal and petrol, just as we need it to develop into a productive, worthwhile species.
    It is HIS will that we should be using it.

  • the Griss

    I do not think HE would be at all impressed by the avian devastation wrought by wind turbines, nor by the blinding of those magnificent creatures by solar concentrating farms.

  • the Griss

    I note the obligatory STEAM coming from the cooling towers. :-)

  • Christian camlin

    Go to the dictionary and look up 2 words. 1st Satire and next Parody.After looking them up read the article here again and you might understand it.Because this article is a textbook example of both.