Politics

President Trump Launches Airstrike Against ‘Loser’ Twitter Troll

Aug 12, 2015
August 12th 2017

f_dc_trump_zing_150616President Donald Trump launched an airstrike this morning against a New Jersey man who insulted him on Twitter.

According to local reports, fighter jets from the 169th airborne destroyed the home of Morristown resident Matt Jones with surface-to-air missiles sometime shortly before dawn.

The White House has confirmed the strike was in response to comments Jones made on Twitter under the username "JetsFan84".

"So this loser gets on Twitter a few weeks ago and says that my hair looks like the fuzz around an orangoutang's asshole," the president explained at a White House press conference.

"And so I was like OK. That's fine. He's a wise-guy, but whatever. No big deal. But then he keeps doing it. Again and again. Every single day. The worst kind of insults you can imagine.

"I mean excuse me, do you know who I am? I'm the president of the United States. Have you seen the military I have? I've got the biggest ships. I've got the fastest airplanes. I've got tanks like you wouldn't believe.

"You have to be some kind of idiot to say these things to me. Right? I mean how stupid are you to start a fight with Trump? I had the NSA trace this clown's address in like 30 seconds. And now his house is a pile of rubble. Problem solved."

Trump narrowly won the presidency last November after Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton suffered a debilitating stroke two days before election day.

Since taking office in January he has made a number of questionable decisions, including a brief invasion of Canada and putting Rosie O'Donnell in federal prison for "crimes against femininity."

This erratic behavior have lead some to call for Trump to resign and allow the Vice-President to take over.

However in a statement on Facebook this morning Vice-President Sarah Palin says she stands fully behind her boss.