A band of self-described American patriots has taken over the community of Crimea, Louisiana, in order to defend it from Russian invasion.
The eight heavily-armed Americans drove into the community on motorcycles and in trucks around 10:45 a.m. today and declared it occupied by the United States at around 10:52 a.m., according to witnesses.
The group then replaced the American flag flying over the local community center with a new American flag.
Arkansas resident Woodrow “Wood” Newton, the group’s leader, said he was prompted to defend the town due to the inaction of the U.S. and world over Crimea, Ukraine -- a place he was unfamiliar with until a week ago.
“When I heard the Russians were taking over Crimea and these other cities, I thought it’s only a matter of time before the Russians decide to come for us,” he said. “Obama is just sitting on his hands and not defending these people, so it’s time for us real Americans to act. Now we’re here, ready to fight when the Russians show up.”
Where in the world?
The unincorporated community of Crimea, located in Louisiana’s northeast, is more than 6,000 miles from Ukraine’s Crimean peninsula, whose citizens voted overwhelmingly to become part of Russia.
Newton and his well-meaning group were apparently among the five in six Americans who could not locate Ukraine on a map -- and who strongly favor U.S. intervention in the region.
“My wife said Crimea was a few hours from our home in Evening Shade, so I called up some of my friends, and we decided to invade first,” Newton said. “We planned to get here under the cover of darkness, but my friend Herman Stiles’ truck broke down, so we had to wait for the tow.”
Errol Childress, a Crimea resident and school groundskeeper, said he was grateful to Newton’s group.
“We here in Crimea need all the help we can get,” he said. “I had heard the Russians were going to take us over, and not even our damn governor or the damn president were willing to do anything. I never voted to join Russia.”
Newton said he and his group plan to remain in Crimea until Russian President Vladimir Putin withdraws troops from the region, since the local motel owner gave them a group discount.
“Everybody in Crimea has been real friendly,” Newton said. “I was glad they talk in English instead of Spanish or whatever they talk in Russia. And the cafe here serves a nice key lime pie. Cute waitress, too.”
Newton’s group is not alone, as the crisis in Ukraine has prompted a number of other concerned Americans to show support and defend cities from Russian annexation.
According to local reports, a group of U.S. citizens seized the town hall in Sebastopol, Calif., which shares its name with a Crimean city, and declared it under the protection of the United States.
