A group of scientists has discovered an extra-solar planet capable of supporting Michele Bachmann, should world leaders decide to banish her from the Earth.
According to a study published today in Nature Astroscience, researchers at the University of Minnesota analyzed data from NASA’s Kepler mission and detected an Earth-sized planet in the habitable zone around the star Tau Ceti.
They then used hitherto unknown techniques to estimate the body’s atmospheric composition, which revealed a breathable atmosphere.
The new planet, called Tau Ceti G, is extremely cold and receives minimal sunlight. However, researchers say that with the right equipment, human life is capable of surviving there.
“There’s not much oxygen on this planet, but there’s enough for Michele Bachmann,” says Lars Peterson, who led the research team. “If we send a spacecraft with heavy radiation shielding, atmospheric filters and a lifetime supply of food she could live out her days in relative comfort.
“It won’t exactly be a stay at the Four Seasons. The winter is long and dark. The average surface temperature is -90° F and and the winds can get up to 100 mph. But for the average Minnesotan it won’t be too hard to adjust.”
Bachmann has served as congresswoman from Minnesota’s 6th district since 2007. Her tenure has attracted controversy due to her extremely conservative views and hyperbolic articulation of them on national television.
During the 2008 presidential campaign she demanded an investigation into congresspeople with “anti-American” views. In 2011 she claimed that Hurricane Issac, which killed 49 people, was a message from God. Earlier that year she said the founding fathers “worked tirelessly” to end slavery.
She has also called for eliminating the minimum wage in order to eradicate unemployment. And once proclaimed without evidence on Fox News that the HPV vaccine, which protects women against cervical cancer, causes mental retardation.
“Technically this may be one of the most important discoveries in the history of science,” says Edwin Wilson, a prominent astronomer not involved in the study. “After thousands of years of searching, we have finally identified another planet in our universe capable of sustaining human life.
“However, I agree that most important takeaway from this study is that we now have a place millions of miles away to which we can send Michele Bachmann. I hope policymakers take notice.”
