Elon Musk Travels to Center of Earth, Makes A Few Hundred Billion Dollars, Has Lunch

 

Fresh off of his success in sending the first private space flight to the International Space Station, CEO of Spacex and serial entrepreneur Elon Musk announced today that he has recently returned from a journey to the center of the Earth, making him the first man in history to achieve that feat.

Musk's stealth geothermal start up  - EarthX Energy - issued a press release this morning confirming that its founder and CEO has used one of the company's exploratory wells to make the journey to the Earth's inner core, to where the firm has secretly built an "energy mine" in hopes of bringing terrawatts of clean renewable energy to the surface.... Read More →

Rupert Murdoch Down to Three Vials of Panda Blood a Day

 

Billionaire media mogul Rupert Murdoch - the founder and chairman of News Corporation (NWS) - is reducing the amount of panda blood he has injected into his heart each day, The Daily Currant can reveal.

The Australian-born 81 year old has consumed raw vials of baby panda blood each day for the past ten years in an effort to stave off death and avoid a messy secession fight among his family for control of his media empire.

There is no scientific evidence that the treatment works, and it entails capturing and eventually killing scores of baby great pandas - one of the most notable endangered species in the world.... Read More →

Romney Leaves Rally Flummoxed By Height of Ohio Trees

 

romneyMitt Romney - the dendrophile U.S. Presidental candidate from the state of Michigan - abruptly halted a campaign stop today in the neighboring state of Ohio due to his intense discomfort with the height of that state's trees.

Romney was at a campaign rally in Mill Stream Run Park  in Strongsville Thursday when half way into his stump speech he began to become visibly uncomfortable as he stared into the forest beyond the crowd.

Deep into a stinging critique of Barack Obama and his "failure to lead on the economy", Romney paused unexpectedly for about fifteen seconds as he scanned the forest's horizon like a Roman sentry looking for Visigoth trebuchets before commenting to a puzzled crowd:... Read More →

North Korea Successfully Launches 50,000 Kilos of Rice Into Space

 

Confusion reigned across the globe today as North Korea announced that it had yesterday successively tested a new orbital heavy lift launch vehicle by launching a massive payload of 50,000 kilograms of rice into low-earth orbit.

The diplomatically and economically isolated Stalinist dictatorship  - officially known as the Democratic People's Republic of Korea (DPRK)- revealed the May 21 launch on state television and boasted that its Juche I rocket will herald  "a new era in the struggle against American imperialism of the heavens"... Read More →

Hollande Hires Banlieue Youths to Clean Elysee Palace With Karcher

 

In a move rife with symbolism newly elected French president François Hollande has hired eight underprivileged youths from one of France's poorest neighborhoods to help clean up the Elysee presidential palace recently vacated by his predecessor Nicolas Sarkozy.

The ad-hoc cleaning crew from the troubled Paris suburb of Clichy-Sous-Bois will spend two months powerwashing the palace's walls, floors, and corridors with Karcher brand electric high-pressure water cleaners to remove unsightly levels of mold, rust, and calcified decay which had built up during the Sarkozy presidency. ... Read More →

Hundreds Arrested In Global Warming Hoax Scandal

 

Scientists and politicians the world over were stunned today to learn that the fringe conspiracy theory which holds that global climate change is a hoax perpetrated by scientists, European governments, and the alternative energy industry turns out to be true.

The office of the United States Attorney for the District of Columbia announced this morning in Washington D.C. the arrest and indictments of 378 people connected to a decades-long effort to convince the global public that Earth's temperature was warming and that human emissions of greenhouse gases were the cause. The scheme was hatched in the early 1980's and aimed to profit from shares connected to companies involved in the alternative energy business - especially manufacturers of solar panels such as the bankrupt firm Solyndra.... Read More →

Doug Ellin Penning Workplace Comedy About Maserati Dealership

 

Entourage co-creator and showrunner Doug Ellin is in talks with several television production studios to develop a workplace comedy about four lifelong friends who work at a Beverly Hills Maserati dealership, The Daily Currant can reveal.

Refusing to rest on his laurels after the mega-successful run of Entourage on HBO, Ellin has been busy developing new comedy series for the premium network under an overall deal with his Fly The Coop production company.... Read More →

Natalie Tran Fingered in Australia Internet Outage

 

Australia's national telecommunications operator Telstra has announced that broadband speeds in Oz will slow to a trickle in the coming days due to the overloading of one of its undersea cables linking the island nation to North America.

The Telstra Endeavour submarine cable - which connects Australian computers to the wider Internet though the U.S. state of Hawaii - is dangerously overcapacity due almost entirely to Americans attempting to view videos of Australia's vlogette fatale: Natalie Tran. ... Read More →

Yahoo Takes $12 Billion Path to Mobile Social Space

 

Troubled Internet leviathan Yahoo has made a dramatic entree into the mobile social networking space with a $12 billion dollar acquisition of Path - the nascent social "mininet" on iOS and Android founded by a prominent former Facebook employee.

The deal sets a clear new mobile-centric strategy for the Silicon Valley's leading Internet portal cum email service - which has struggled to adapt to the rise of Web 2.0, social media, video sharing, search engines, tha mobile web, and just about every other innovation on the Internet since hypertext.... Read More →

Investigation Reveals Cornwall Left U.K. in 2004, Nobody Noticed

 

Amidst the furor of a potential referendum on Scottish independence, an investigation by The Daily Currant can reveal that the English region of Cornwall left the United Kingdom in 2004 and has been an indepdnent country now for nearly 6 years.

The revelation has sparked curiosity amongst the British public - many of whom had never known the former Celctic kingdom which was incorprated into England in the 11th century had ever been part of the U.K. at all. ... Read More →

7 Dead in MSNBC / Fox News Charity Softball Mêlée

 

America was stunned today to learn that several of that nation's top media personalities from its two highest rated twenty-four hour news networks have been killed during a charity sporting event meant to raise money for sick children.

Newsanchors from the left-leaning MSNBC network and the right-leaning Fox News Channel met yesterday in New York's Central Park for the 5th Annual Swing for the Cure event sponsored by the National Alliance for Childhood Leukemia (NACL). ... Read More →

South Africa Commends U.S. on Human Rights Progress

 

Following U.S. President Obama's statement yesterday in favor of the right for American gays to marry, Maite Nkoana-Mashabane - South Africa's Minister of Internatinoal Affairs and Cooperation -  issued a statement applauding the U.S. on "moving towards the South African example of human rights for all."

The statement also expressed that although the South African government was still skeptical that marriage equality will be enacted in all 50 states anytime soon, it welcomed Obama's gesture as a  "move in a positive direction."... Read More →