In the U.S. capitol of Washington, D.C. today American liberals gathered in one of their country's most sacred monuments - the Thomas Jefferson Memorial - to celebrate America's independence with a traditional flag burning ceremony followed by a public gay orgy and a ceremonial live condom demonstration at the foot of a giant statue of the U.S.'s third president.
Organizers of the event say that turnout is expected to reach a record 35,000 people this year as liberals and progressives from around the country turn off MSNBC and tune into NPR as they drive in their Volkswagen vans to meet others who share their perverted godless worldview.
Volunteers from Planned Parenthood lined the memorial and denied entry to anyone without a tattoo, heroin track marks, a yoga injury, or a less than seven piercings.
Luckily The Daily Currant was able to sneak in our intrepid correspondent by poking his arms with pine needles and having him pretend to be higher than Kurt Cobain at a Nepalese trampoline factory.
Give Me Blueberry, Or Give Me Death
Inside the event, the air smelled of polyester and organic homegrown marijuana. By the time the orgy was due to start, however, the assembled crowd was too stoned to make much of an effort and - save for a few isolated gangbangs - the rest of the event was officially cancelled.
"This is pretty much what happened last year, " says Douglas "Kymani" Cohen, a trustafarian from New York's Upper East Side:
"I mean how can you expect people to be motivated for a gay orgy if the government doesn't pay for it. You see its all about the deficit man," Cohen explains with a 'Jamaican blueberry blunt' in his right hand, "We gotta tax those rich fat cats who are takin' all our money man! Then we could spend it on some hella dank parties, am I right brotha'!"
One surprise this year, however, was celebrity invité Rick Santorum, who made a passionate speech inveighing against the liberal value system - before donning a mask, ordering a strawberry daiquiri and joining the festivities.
Santorum's presence was the talk of the festival:
"We heard some rumor on this one website that he came out as gay," say Rico and Diesel, a homosexual couple from San Francisco, '"Then we heard it was a joke. I don't know why satirical news websites do that. Kinda hurts their credibility don't you think?"
It wasn't all blue state homosexuals and over-privileged youths, however.
Kristie and Todd, two self-avowed liberal newlyweds from Asheville, North Carolina, say they abandoned their two young children at home to be here today:
"Fireworks and flags are cool, but deep down inside it really isn't the forth of July for a liberal until you've seen an attempted gay orgy. Its really what Kristie and I live for. Its what all Americans should live for. Happy 4th everyone!"
