Champion cyclist Lance Armstrong faked his battle with cancer in a shocking effort to gain millions in endorsement deals, The Daily Currant can exclusively reveal.
According to a soon-to-be-released report from the U.S Anti-Doping Agency (USADA), Armstrong used doping doctors to falsify his medical records - fooling sponsors and the public into believing he had recovered from a cancer which had never even existed. ... Read More →
A leaked copy of U.S. Presidential candidate Mitt Romney's "binder of women" reveals that he thinks actress and celebrity train wreck Lindsay Lohan is a 'fugly slut".
The revelation is surprising because Lohan is a well-known Romney supporter, telling E! News just three days ago that she will vote for the Republican due to his unemployment plan.... Read More →
U.S. Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney has reportedly cut the tires on moderator Candy Crowley's car following his devastating humiliation in the presidential debate in Hampstead, New York.
The 90 minute debate was largely seen as a victory for U.S. president Barack Obama, in no small part because of Romney's repeated petty arguments with CNN anchor Candy Crowley, who hosted the event at Hofestra University.... Read More →
Former anti-masturbation activist and failed Republican U.S. Senate candidate Christine O'Donnell has predicted that the spell she cast on Barack Obama before the last presidential debate should work again for tonight's rematch in New York state.
O'Donnell explains that her ancient "Spell of Torpid Disorientation" is nearly 100% effective at slowing down the cognitive tempo of its target, making them appear to be lazy and uninterested in events around them.... Read More →
In preparation for tomorrow night's presidential debate, U.S. president Barack Obama has secluded himself in a small hotel room where he will watch every Rocky movie ever made - twice.
Advisors to the president say he typically prepares for every big debate or speech by watching at least one film form the classic Sylvester Stallone boxing series.
Obama skipped this ritual two weeks ago, however, when a national security meeting occupied his schedule ahead of the first debate in Denver.... Read More →
U.S. Vice-President Joe Biden has called Republican VP nominee Paul Ryan's mother to apologize for the vicious ass-kicking he gave her son in Thursday night's debate.
The fiery match between the two men featured 69-year old Biden schooling 42-year old Ryan on Afghanistan, Medicare, taxes, and the economy. ... Read More →
The leader of Australia's opposition Liberal Party has issued a statement saying there is no need for Prime Minister Julia Gillard to apologize for her 15 minute rant in Parliament Monday accusing him of being a sexist.
Tony Abbott explains that Gillard was probably on a 'sensitive point in her menstrual cycle' at the time, and thus should not be held responsible for her outburst.... Read More →
Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez was reelected to a new term this week, defeating opposition candidate Henrique Capriles with 55% of the vote.
The socialist firebrand has led Venezuela for the last 14 years, and says he will use his new 6-year term to deepen his "Bolivarian revolution".
Chavez's long reign has been controversial. Supporters laud his success in reducing the country's income inequality and improving the plight of the poor though government assistance programs.... Read More →
Former General Electric CEO Jack Welsh waded further into controversy today by claiming that Osama Bin Laden's death was "probably" staged to help U.S. President Barack Obama win reelection.
In an interview with Canadian business news channel BNN, Welsh explained that although he had no evidence to back up his assertion, something just didn't "feel right" about Bin Laden's demise in May 2011.... Read More →
Former Apple founder and CEO Steve Jobs has almost finished his year-long project of reinventing heaven, The Daily Currant can reveal.
The 56-year-old began his mission to improve eternity's user experience shortly after arriving last October, following a long battle with pancreatic cancer.
Distressed by the stuffy atmosphere behind the pearly gates, Jobs organized a non-profit organization with the goal of remolding heaven in the consumers' image.... Read More →
Photo: Wikimedia
The international particle physics laboratory CERN was bombed today by radical terrorists from a rival school of theoretical physics.
The Calabi-Yau Martyr Squadron, an extremist group associated with string theory claimed responsibility for the attack, which caused no injuries but severely damaged CERN's particle accelerator - the Large Hadron Collider (LHC) .... Read More →
Comedian Adam Sandler said today that he is nearing his goal of creating the worst movie of all time.
In an exclusive interview with The Daily Currant the SNL alum turned movie star reveals that his decade-long failure to create a critically successful film is no accident, and the streak still has some way to go:
"About ten years ago I decided it would be more fun to punk the studios into making shitty movies than it would be to create good ones," he explains.... Read More →
